Few days from now it will be mother’s day again. It will be five yrs since I’ve last spent it with you. I can still clearly remember the mother’s day gift I had for you that year. A Nokia 30something series and a short course on cellphone texting. I know 2 months after that mother’s day we will be 12 hours timezone apart. I just want to make sure you will  be just  within my reach when I badly need you, because I know no matter how old and all grown-up I get I will forever be needing you. The OB-GYN who delivered me may have cut the umbilical cord that connected us for nine months but I know nothing can severe the emotional & spiritual cord that we have as mother and daughter.

           Our first five yrs together perhaps has been the hardest in all the 39 yrs. I had the great privelege to introduce you to a whole new world of motherhood.. and its me who baptized you with a new name..Nanay… You loved me….i know..even before I was born you loved me more than your very own life. So much love that you have to let go of the American dream that you almost had within your reach. You had the chance to come here with the condition that you have to give birth to me first, leave me behind before you can go. Your visa was valid from Aug to Oct that yr , I was scheduled to be born sometime September. They will not allow you on board at 8 months but you cannot afford to leave me behind barely a month old. So you chose what others may think as the dumbest decision. You decided to stay , set aside the dream for awhile. But 3 miscarriage after me you totally forgot about it until the job availability & US visa  lapsed.          

        You had me ..just me for 5 yrs. It was a tough yr. So many trials for us.I was 4 when you cried on my shoulder all you heartaches and pains. Back then you thought I don’t understand what was going on little did you know that my tiny heart can feel love and pain as much a you do, and my young mind was like a sponge making mental notes of all that was going on. . Age four I had to learn the word forgiveness. I am this strong now because I knew I had to be strong for you back then. And that strength and courage never left me.

                 Even if people have wronged us we chose not to take revenge in our hands nor did we allow them to trample on our spirit , with you I’ve learned to chose the extreme right , the uttermost good, having enough allowance for our own weaknesses lest we fall into self pity or rebellion.

                   I know you tried so hard so protect us from all the harmful elements of this life, But you can only do so much. I knew you were not a superwoman because you never pretend to be one infront of me. You are who you really are, no pretentions , you never tried to deceived me with fairy-tale like bedtime stories or let me play in make-believe. Instead we faced our worst fears together side by side , you were my strength and I was yours. Since then I’ve learned what bravery means. While other 4 or 5 yrs old are playing dolls and teacups, I already have a headstart in dealing with the realities of life. Other kids’ mental ability is measure by IQ , you have a different standard for me and we call it WQ ( wisdom quotient )

       As I grew up I’ve learn to look at things, people and experiences around me with wisdom and depth. I had 4 siblings after me, but sibling rivalry never existed among your children. Instead we support and encourage each other. We lack on so many things back then, life was hard and rarely do we get the luxury of new shoes & dresses on holidays. But even then we never envy the wealth of others because we know we have something other families don’t and that is you ,tatay , us and our positive outlook , our appreciation of the blessings that we received from God . Contentment, humor, determination, faith in God and in each other propelled us.

( TO BE CONTINUED )

       Andito na naman po ko..mangungulit..dadaing..maglalambing..Dangan kasi ito lamang po ang alam kong paraan para lagi akong magkaroon ng lakas ng loob at matibay na pag-asa sa mga bagay na aking hinhintay.. sa mga bagay na ipinangako Mo

           Pasensya na po..minsan di ko mapigilan mapadaing lalo na pagkanakakaramdam ako po ng matinding awa sa sarili. Kasi nakikita ko kapansanan ko…nalimutan ko na naman na anumang oras ay maaari akong manganlong sa Iyong kapangyarihan at duo’y huhugot ako ng lakas.

Naiyak na naman po ako.. kasi kung wala po Kayo sa buhay ko paano na kaya ako. Minsan natutulala ako sabay papatak ang luha at nasasabi kong parang hindi patas ang laban. Nalimutan ko na naman po na Ikaw ay Diyos ng Katwiran at ang Iyong kalooban ay laging may lakip na hustisya. Isang unat Nyo lang po ng inyong mapagpalang kamay, isang kumpas lang po ng Inyong kapangyarihan..lahat ng bagay at tao sa mundo ay magpapantay-pantay ang kalagayan. Kayang-kaya Nyo pong bawiin lahat ng kapangyarihan, kayamanan, buhay at lakas ng tao. At sa panahon na Iyo na pong ipinaiiral ang iyong Katwiran dito Nyo nakikita sino ba talaga ang tapat sa Inyo. Tulad sa kasalukuyang panahon….ilang magulang na ba ang nawalan ng pag-asa hanggang sa pinsalain nila buong sambahayan nila at pagkatapos ay kitlin nila ang sarili nilang buhay…ang mga dating matuwid na may hanapbuhay natuto ng gumawa ng lahat ng klase ng krimen. Paano wala silang masulingan…Sana pwede rin silang mangalong sa lilim ng Iyong kapangyarihan..Bakit kaya hindi nila maisip gawin yun? Hindi ko po alam ang sagot. Nakakalungkot dahil hindi pa ito ang sakdal sa lahat ng pagsubok bumibitaw na sila. Krisis sa economiya pa lang po iyon nakikita Nyo kung sino talaga ang nagtitiwala sa inyo..paano kaya kung sabay sabay …giyera..kahirapan, kalamidad..mga matitinding karamdaman.. paano na ang tao.

Totoo nga pong hindi patas ang laban..kasi hindi rin naman po ako makakaiwas sa krisis…kinakailangan ko rin maghanapbuhay..di rin naman pamalagian ang lakas ko dahil sa Myasthenia ko… Di ko rin alam kung bukas makalawa kung mahanapbuhay pa po ako at lalong hindi ko po alam kung mamaya lang ay mahirapan na naman akong huminga hanggang sa tuluyan ng tumigil ang paghinga ko. Kung iisipin talaga dehado ako sa karera ng buhay lalo na sa panahon ngayon…ngunit ikaw ang aking Pag-asa.. nasa Iyo ang aking lakas kaya hindi ko magawang bumitaw kahit hirap na hirap na po ako..kahit hilahod na ako sa pagod. Sa ayaw at gusto ng ibang tao..isang lang ang totoo..hindi talaga patas ang laban dahil itinatangi Mo po ako. Ipinipilit Mo pong makaagapay ako sa takbuhin, iniiaabot ang bawat pangangangailangan ko, ginagawa mo pong magaan ang mga pasanin ko habang ang iba bigat na bigat sa pagdadala ng buhay., anumang kulang sa buhay ko Ikaw po ang nagpupuno. Sa mga panahong mahinang mahina na ako halos gahibla na lang ang layo ko sa kamatayan dinudugtungan Mo pa po ang buhay ko. Ganito pala kasarap kapag dama ng puso’t kaluluwa ng isang tao ang lubos na pagmamahal ng Diyos. Nakapagpapaganap at nakapagpapasakdal. Hindi nakapagtataka nakayanan ng Panginoon Hesukristo ang lahat ng hirap dahil alam nya nasa kanya ang pag-ibig ng Diyos. Pagmamahal na tinatamas ko rin ngayon at babaunin hanggang sa dumating ang araw na haharap na ako sa Ama upang pagmasdan ang lubos Nyang kaluwalhatian.

Minsan tinanong ko po Kayo kung mahal mo pa ako.. paano kasi bigla tumahimik ang buhay ko, wala na yung mga pagsubok na sinasabi Mo po. Sinagot Mo po ako, bago matapos ang pagsamba, tumingin sa akin ang ministro, at nagwika … “Kapatid, tinanong mo kung mahal ka ng Ama, mahal na mahal ka Nya, katunayan ay hinirang ka Nya at nananatili ka”. Umuwi po akong magang-maga ang mga mata.Di pumapatlang ang pagluha sa saya…paano..sino po ba ako para mahalin Nyo. Isang kaluluwang hamak at maraming kahinaan.

Mula po noon sa Iyo na umikot ang buhay ko. Anumang ibigay Mo po o ipahintulot Mong mangyari ay itinuring kong biyaya. May Myasthenia man ako at unti-unting humihina ang katawang laman, sya naman pag lakas ng aking pag-asa at pananampalataya sa Iyo. Dumating ang kahirapan at krisis dito sa Amerika pero lalo Mo naman akong pinagpapala at pinasasagana. Ni minsan di Mo ako pinabayaang magkulang. Mag isa man ako dito, malayo sa pamilya at kamag-anak di Mo hinahayaan kainin ng lungkot ang puso ko. Lagi Mong hangad na maging masaya, payapa at ligtas ako.

Dumanas ako ng kahirapan o kaginhawaan ang antas na kasiyahan ay pareho lang. Matulog sa sahig sa isang mainit na kwarto o sa kutson sa isang 5 star vacation homes ang himbing na tulog ko ay pareho lang, Malipasan ng gutom o maimpatso sa kabusugan  . Mag-enjoy sa tuyo o magdildil sa T Bone steak. Makipag siksikan sa jeep o mag karoon ng sariling Mercedes Maybach. Ang saya ko sa Enchanted Kingdom at Magic Kingdom ng Disney pareho din lang. Bakit nga ba???? Dahil sa ang tunay na kasiyahan ko ay makitang ang lahat ng ito ay kaloob Mo. Maaaring ang pakiramdam na umiyak o tumawa man ako, hirap o maginhawa man ako ay alam kong nanatiling malapit Ka po sa akin.

Sana ganito Ka rin kalapit sa ibang tao, siguro natapos na din ang mga alalahanin nila, siguro payapa na ang lahat, siguro wala ng giyera, hirap at gulo sa mundo. Sinubukan Mong ilapit ang katwiran Mo sa kanila pero pinili nilang unahin ang mga bagay sa buhay na ito…..SAYANG.. kung alam lang nila. Kung gaano kasarap mabuhay na kasama Ka. Humingi sila sa iyo ng mga bagay at relasyon sa buhay na ito para sa kanilang ikasisiya at ikagiginhawa. Dahil mapagmahal Ka ibinigay mo ang kanilang bawat naisin. Ngayon takot silang bitiwan ang mga bagay na ibinigay mo, nalimutan na nilang humawak sa Iyo.. puno na kasi ang mga kamay nila. Takot na silang mawalan, maagawan. Pati kamatayan kinatakutan.. dahil ayaw nilang maiwan, ayaw din nilang iwanan ang mga bagay at mga taong ibinigay Mo. Pero ipinagpauna Mo na .. na lahat ng bagay ay pansamantala.. wala naman talaga silang madadala.. lahat ay maiiwan , relasyon ay malalagot at kung paano nabuhay ang tao kalaunan ay nalilimot.

Ang tanging mababaon ng tao hanggang sa kabilang buhay ay ang kaugnayan niya sa Iyo. Sana maisip ng marami na Ikaw lang naman po talaga ang mahalaga, lahat ng bagay ay pumapangalawa lamang. Sana hanapin ka din nila.. yung totohanan…taimtim… walang ibang personal na dahilan liban sa hangad na lubos kang mapaglingkuran at maluwalhati ang Iyong pangalan. Kaya mo lang naman po kami nilalang ay para sa ganun kaukulan..ang lumuwalhati sa Iyo,, ngunit ang tao ibang bagay ang nais pag aksayahan ng panahon, pinahihirapan ang sarili, na hindi naman talaga dapat maging kumplikado at mahirap ang buhay sa mundo..Kung marunong lang sanang sumunod sa Iyo..Sayang…

Before You I was nothing, but a worn out weary soul.

Like a homeless beggar , I stood before Your door

I was filled with filth, yet You drew me near.

Your grace beckoned me, like someone so dear.

As I come before You , with my head held low,

my broken and bitter heart, my life filled with woe.

I have nothing to present but my pain and my tears,

my worries that haunt me, and my gnawing fears

Your mercy moved me. Your power made me stay

Your love transformed me , in a very special way.

You called me by my name, and then I knew.

I’m finally home because I belong to You.

All my doubts and fears, You cast them away

And enfold me in Your love day after day

My heart, You held in the palm of your hand

My soul, You saved for the promise land

Now that I’m with You, I can faithfully endure

Till like gold in the furnace, I will come out pure.

Now I’m filled with Your content, I can patiently wait

Till I receive the Crown of Life, the reward of my faith.

Jade Esquito

April 2009

  I’ve seen too many deaths in my lifetime, sudden, lingering, gruesome, peaceful, painful, mysterious,bloody, messy, dramatic and even comic death.  And I thought I already had formed an emotional callous that keeps me from melting into a puddle of tears each time a patient of mine dies.  Until last night..when Mrs. X showed me a preliminary walk-through in the dying process. No, she didn’t die on my shift, but i saw how her spirit slowly whithers away. She used to be a spirited , so full of life,old lady. Keeping me on my toes with her constant use of the call light. Last night…she gave up using the call light. She just lay there, staring at the ceiling with a frightened faraway look in her eyes. Gone was the smile , the spirit and the annoying blinking of call light. All that was left was a helpless soul trying to make the last conversation with God.  I tried to bring her back but she kept on running away from me emotionally…slipping into a different world. She’s alert, oriented but she chose to disconnect from the present moment. I talked to her with every little thing that i have to do, hoping i could get her to look at me , at least make a connection, if having a conversation is too much to ask, tracking would be such a treat for me. After 7 hours of running back and forth into her room giving meds, taking vitals, changing tubes and linens. I asked her for the nth time..Hey Mrs X… how are you? what’s with the sad face? Are you in pain? Is there anything I can do for you? I was like a broken record. Not a response..except a faint grimace, eyes wide , staring , searching the ceiling for some answers, hope or strength perhaps.  I shift to my jolly and crazy mode…” Mrs.X .. you know I’m not use to talking here by myself?” What’s with the staring thing? I position myself as if  staring at the same corner.. Are you afraid… then she look at me.. and nod. ” afraid of what?”  I followed through hoping to keep her with me. “i’m dying”  she mouthed. And then she tried to look away again. ” What made you say that?” I said as i ran around her bed to keep eye contact. She open her lips and mouthed “I’m tired” .. “so tired”. With the tracheostomy preventing her from speaking and the alarms filling up the room it could have been so easy to overlook her desperation. But every thing came out loud and clear even if it was only by lip reading. I didn’t get to hear her voice and i don’t think i would ever get a chance to hear it.  Because today or tomorrow she would ask them to withdraw her life support. I crossed the line… I’m not suppose to cry ..but infront of her I did. Because she let me peered into her soul as she bravely, consciously wait for her time.

      Thank You….

      for the courage to go on

      for the inspiration to live this life

      for the absolute and unconditional love

      for the trials that made me strong

      for the mistakes that made me wise

      for the forgiveness  that transforms me

      for healing my wounds

      for easing my pain

      for designing my life in such  unimaginable way

      for giving me everything I NEED , including those I DON’T WANT

      for making sure I get the best seat in the Worship Service

      for knowing everything even before it happens

      for the true and trusted friends you have provided me.

      for the happy as well as sad times

      for my Myasthenia Gravis that keeps me grounded to You

      for giving me the chance to view life & death in Your perspective.

      for getting inbetween my car and that white van during that  car crash

      for making sure I get out of that accident alive , unscathed

      for your choice of who would be my parents, brother & sisters in this life

      for keeping me sane and crazy at the same time.

      for teaching me the benefits of laughters and tears.

      for allowing me to wade in the flood of Manila and of Miami

      for allowing me to know the difference between typhoons & hurricanes

      for allowing me to see Disneyland ( on my second childhood)

     for not getting tired listening to my woe & cares

     for answering ALL of my prayers, either by yes,  no or all of the above.

     for making me realize that this world & everything in it is but temporary

     for creating a void in my heart that only YOU can fill

    for not letting me go.. even when i was struggling to ran away from you

    for being patient with me even when i was stubborn and refusing to learn

    for speaking Your Words … when i need counsel and guidance

    for letting the rain pour when i asked YOU to let heavens mourn with me

    for allowing me to see the truth, even if people lie

    for cutting connections when they are short circuiting my life.

    for teaching me how to discern Your will.

    for teaching me the art of denying myself

    for making my job more of a playtime for me

   for the wisdom that money is just an illusion

   for allowing me to experience the entire spectrum of material life

   for keeping me Single..because I get to serve & please You…and YOU alone

   for allowing me to see that everything works for my good & for Your Glory

MOST of ALL …Thank You God

   for this life…..because i get to live it serving You  &

   for death , should it come too soon.. because then i get to be home with YOU

As a sojourner in this life… I travel light. No excess baggage and few stops. I travel within the boundaries of the law of men and of God. Non-smoker, no alcohol and no drugs. I’m sober since birth and with the grace of God i strive to be sober till the day i die.
I fear God with deep reverence that even just the thought of disappointing Him gives me the shooting pain that goes through my very soul.
I look at the things around me, even at the things which I cannot see at a different perspective..at the angle commonly overlooked by people and obscured by the triviality of material life…the divine perspective.
I value everything .. dead or alive.. treasure or trash. I love deep, fall hard, and I go by the all-or-none principle of the cardiac muscle.
I have very few problems, sometimes none because the solutions are there even before the problem arise.
I appreciate life the way an 8 yr old does. No prejudice no biases. But when trials and temptation comes i have to think the way an 88 yr old does, full of wisdom and discernment.
I love to READ…everything!!!from books to people’s behavior to life experiences. I love to LEARN.. from myself..from others and most of all from God.
I’m quiet for most part of my life…rarely do i speak.. my words are meant to heal, inspire and encourage.. other than that my mind will not generate thoughts for my lips to form words.
I am just passing through this world silently,unknown,
unrecognized. But I work hard on anything like I’m aiming for The Oscars, or The Olympics
I’m not a firm believer of happy ending…but i do have faith and hope in the Glorious End.
I am me…insignificant in this life maybe…but precious to the One who redeemed me.

  Chances made us met
             that moment linked us together.
          Friendship bloomed
             within our hearts.
                We thought it was forever.

          Together we shared our wildest dreams
              Together we laugh, together we cry
          In each other’s arm, we comfort our souls
              We became the best of friends
                  Just YOU and I.

          We listen to each other’s heartbeat
              Just like the tick of time.
          We held the world, beneath ou hands.
              as if its our’s alone
                   Just yours and mine.

          Days have passed
               Stil YOU and I are standing strong
          Our friendship never wavered
               Its like a never ending song

          We proved our friendship strength.
               we held unto the test of time
          We’re never afraid of being alone
               knowing I was your friend
                  And you were mine

          But then….
              You fell inlove with someone
          And you forgot our friendship and me
               Our promises vanished in thin air
          And then… YOU were just a memory

          Yes, we were the best of friends
               But I guess that was before
          But now it’s “I” alone
               And not “YOU and I” anymore

          Now I’m forced to face obscurity
               As our wildreams disappear
          and no one’s here to comfort me
               The same way when you were near.

          We used to listen
               to each other’s heartbeat,
          but now i couldn’t hear them anymore
               because the truth deafens my ear
          as my eyes in tears starts to sore.

          We had a never ending friendship
             But now…
               It just came to it’s end.
          It’s only now that I’ve realize
             That you were more than just a friend.

          There’s one more thing I want to say
             Before you leave….
                and before I cry..
          Even though it’s late
              and it really hurts alot
          I LOVE YOU….
              my dear friend… Goodbye.

                     by Jade Esquito
               Copyright   Oct 1987

How do I tell…

… what brings us low

… what pulls us down

… what wipes the smile

and draws that frown

… what brings us tears

and breaks the heart

… what shatters the soul

and tears it apart

… what dims our hope

… what test our faith

… what makes us empty

and void creates

how do i tell…

… the pain i cant describe

… the sorrows i cant hide

… that I’m trying to be tough

but my strength is not enough.

in prayer i might be able

in prayer i will

in prayer my soul will rest

in prayer i will be still.

                               by     Jade 2008

It amazed me how our lives appear like a railroad tracks. We are like steel rails, laying side by side upon sleepers that connect us, while upon our shoulders we carry the weight of the trains that passes our life. At one point or another in our life we as steel rails are shifted from one track to another so trains would not collide. And all in accordance with the masterplan and trip schedule of God. He is the master railroad builder, the sleepers where we are laid upon are our faith, values, beliefs in life. the trains are our trials, our dreams, people we love, people we have to carry through this life. At times God would have to make some revisions and repairs on the track, and if you notice he place side by side upon the sleepers, steel rails of the same strength, same vision , same faith. This is not only to protect the trains and those aboard it but also to prolong the life of each steel rails.

In this crazy, busy, twisted train rides, rail tracks and endless trips in life. I see you as another sturdy and tough steel rail on the other side of the sleepers.Like steel rails we lay there, parallel, steadfast upon our faith while the whole world passes through our shoulder. Our lives didn’t cross and we are not into messy entanglement rather we are connected in a orderly manner designed by God, side by side ,faith upon faith, strength upon strength, wisdom upon wisdom that we may fulfill our purpose intended by God and that is to Serve and Glorify Him. A trainload of trials, dreams, people we have to carry though in this life may cause strain on our shoulders but as long as we steadfastly anchor ourselves upon the Faith which God had given us we can withstand everything and anything that would have to pass through us.