I’ve seen too many deaths in my lifetime, sudden, lingering, gruesome, peaceful, painful, mysterious,bloody, messy, dramatic and even comic death.  And I thought I already had formed an emotional callous that keeps me from melting into a puddle of tears each time a patient of mine dies.  Until last night..when Mrs. X showed me a preliminary walk-through in the dying process. No, she didn’t die on my shift, but i saw how her spirit slowly whithers away. She used to be a spirited , so full of life,old lady. Keeping me on my toes with her constant use of the call light. Last night…she gave up using the call light. She just lay there, staring at the ceiling with a frightened faraway look in her eyes. Gone was the smile , the spirit and the annoying blinking of call light. All that was left was a helpless soul trying to make the last conversation with God.  I tried to bring her back but she kept on running away from me emotionally…slipping into a different world. She’s alert, oriented but she chose to disconnect from the present moment. I talked to her with every little thing that i have to do, hoping i could get her to look at me , at least make a connection, if having a conversation is too much to ask, tracking would be such a treat for me. After 7 hours of running back and forth into her room giving meds, taking vitals, changing tubes and linens. I asked her for the nth time..Hey Mrs X… how are you? what’s with the sad face? Are you in pain? Is there anything I can do for you? I was like a broken record. Not a response..except a faint grimace, eyes wide , staring , searching the ceiling for some answers, hope or strength perhaps.  I shift to my jolly and crazy mode…” Mrs.X .. you know I’m not use to talking here by myself?” What’s with the staring thing? I position myself as if  staring at the same corner.. Are you afraid… then she look at me.. and nod. ” afraid of what?”  I followed through hoping to keep her with me. “i’m dying”  she mouthed. And then she tried to look away again. ” What made you say that?” I said as i ran around her bed to keep eye contact. She open her lips and mouthed “I’m tired” .. “so tired”. With the tracheostomy preventing her from speaking and the alarms filling up the room it could have been so easy to overlook her desperation. But every thing came out loud and clear even if it was only by lip reading. I didn’t get to hear her voice and i don’t think i would ever get a chance to hear it.  Because today or tomorrow she would ask them to withdraw her life support. I crossed the line… I’m not suppose to cry ..but infront of her I did. Because she let me peered into her soul as she bravely, consciously wait for her time.